Crossroads

As a child,
I would walk bare foot to school,
Avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk.
"If you step on a crack you'll break your mothers back"
The children would sing inside my head.

It was always foggy then.
And sometimes
I would see the Santa Maria sailing calmly beneath the hanging stop sign
That divided my street like a mezzaluna.

I now step between bricks much of the time,
And ride the expressway to work.

Blessings

It looks like the world of karma has largely taken a place in my life once again!

Yesterday at two o' clock, I tore my shoulder in the SLCC weight room while performing military press.
I experience severe shocks of pain through little movements, and will be laid up for a long time.
The truth is, I am trying to be very optimistic about it all, but I find it very difficult.
Currently, I am the strongest I have ever been.
What saddens me is that all of it will be gone soon, and I will no longer have the body that I have worked so hard to create.

A large part of me feels that this experience is something that I must learn from every so often (Once a year?)

(I stand naked to the mirror, and for the first time ever I feel a big un-motivational kick in the ass.)

I go to the Doc today.

Morning

This morning I had risen to the strings of nostalgia pulling me closer to my window.

Rhetorical

As I become closer to death, will I (when my age begins to strangle my body) become closer to God for fear of life? Or shall I neglect and veer from religion because of corruption and disbelief from influence from others. When people feel distanced from their religion, do they feel less attached to life and the greatness it offers?
Life is opportunity!

I've been drinking.

Raped

I woke up this morning feeling spectacular.
I biked (with my wonderful bike) all the way to work.
All the while i had listened to the thrird and forth movement of the Pines of Rome by rehspegi.
So my morning was great.
I get to work, and what do I find laying on my counter?
That's right!
My journal!
I experianced a fit of rage that boiled through me to such a degree that I tipped over all of the protein bars and gum, so that they spilled out across the ground very much unlike a patient etherised upon a table.
Wow, Chase, settle down.
This is not like you.
I knew, I knew that he had read it.
That bastard Co-worker of mine.
Of course I was jumping to conclusions, but something real was happening.
Something unordinary to the extreme.
I was wounded, yes.
But more so I felt something from it all.
I felt his grimy hands all over the pages,
I felt his crtisizing eyes scanning my words like a virus.
I felt him laugh and chuckle as I held the journal myself.
It had happened, it was no longer MY journal, it was everybody elses.
So I trap myself inside the office to be alone, feeling like the beast in beauty and the beast.
I try to read words that I have written, but to think that anyone else (especially my co-worker) that has read it, makes my nerves tremble like a live-wire.
Should I say that it is my own fault for neglecting my journal, and that it is truely everyones desire to know deep things about another.
Yes.
Will I?
Well... "And youth is cruel, and has no remorse
And smiles at situations which it cannot see.
I smile, of course,
And go on drinking tea."
I'll try.

Snuffed

So there I was, pencil in hand and the paper with little circles in front of me. A-B-C-D-E, ah it didn’t matter what was on it, all I knew was I was gonna win this test over like the time gramma spat ‘er chew into the bucket from the roof. This bitch was mine! At least that’s what one would think after memorizing the entire study sheet and reading all the chapters while noting much of them. And after I passed the test, I was gonna celebrate by talking to that fancy lady that I can never seem to catch, and hopefully at least get her name, though what’s in a name, right?
Well somehow the test kicked my ass HARDCORE. I am unsure as to how that happened, and the lady friend, well, she dispersed before I could even lick my lips and clear my throat. Maybe with her it’s a race between the tortoise and the hare. Then again, maybe I just need to be faster, even if I did finish the test first. What the hell yo!
I got this, I got this.
Next week, be prepared lady friend, Uncle Chase is coming to town.

Icecream is a joke, and I'm not laughing!

If there is one thing about summer that drives me crazy (aside from the heat and inversion) it is the icecream man.
And guess what?
He's back.
Oh holy day, why must I go through the torment of that blasting off-key music from his horribly suspicious van! And his disgustingly overpriced chocolate bars shaped like baseball bats does not help me either!
"Geez-la-f'ing-weeze man, I'll buy my own dandy candybars, thanks anyway! Now turn off your screeching banshie music before I mash you with a REAL baseball bat!"
There should be a noise ordenance for them bastards.

Spring Fever

When it comes to women that are in my life, I am often confused on how I feel about them. Thus I am constantly making choices that baffle me to no extent. For example, some women will find me attractive and want to date me, get to know me, or jump in the rack and bigitty bang it out. Unfortunately, when they are too enthusiastic with me I loose interest right away. When they realize this and begin to fade off, I often start talking to them again (This is sometimes repeated and never gets anywhere).
Another way in which I confuse myself is when I have an interest in another woman. At times I find myself extremely infatuated but never mustering up the courage to ask them out, or even talk to them! There are two hot chicks that take up that role right now, one works at a restaurant that I go to. (I feel she is out of my range, lol). The other is in my psychology class, and I don’t even know her name! I know she draws, I know she likes romantic movies, I know she studies hard, I think she is shy. But I don’t know her F’ing name! I’ve barely talked to her; I haven’t asked her out, what the hell is the matter with me? I feel it odd of me to rant on this boring-ass subject, but it wouldn’t get out of my cerebellum.
Next time!
Next time I’ll ask her out!
Monday the nineteenth!
(Or at least know her name, lol)

Poem 030707

Fillings

When you feel a certain emotion,
A dry enervated crawl through a cretaceous desert.
You come to find
that you are perhaps not who you think you are.
Instead,
you become the emotion that spirals the edges of your body,
like a snake coiling about a shrub
in that same immaculate desert.
You become the beating light that boils you,
The un-firming sand grabbing hold of your wearied footsteps,
the tolerated aroma scarring your memory.
You are no longer a thought.
You are no longer a worker or a couch potato.
Instead you become the refracting blue light of the T.V.,
and the over cooked popcorn in your lap.
You become the impact of the steal pillars colliding,
and the vibration in your coffee mug.
And when you complete your day with what relaxes you.
Go ahead, despair, feel, and be happy.
For those are moments of life,
and life is the moment of now.

Poem by Billy Collins

I like this one!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0yn7nS_wuc

Beaten by a Stick

Yesterday was one of the most challenging days that I have faced in a long time, and I am so discouraged that I don't know what to do.
My body feels like one of those train wrecks that you see on T.V. with people hanging off of the side of a bridge and all.
Biking/boxing/lifting all in a day.
One of those days where you just want to go home and fall asleep in bed. If that was an option I would have done that, but I had to go to school.
Last week we all turned in the big portfolio.
And when I say big I mean it counts for 1/3 of the grade in the class.
We got those back yesterday.
While I feel like I worked my ass off on these assignments, it was no match for my teachers critical nazi ways.
I recieved a D on the entire portfolio.
When she had called me up to give me the portfolio (and take my soul) I had become very enraged upon looking down to see the D on my paper.
My emotions had been strewn about the room like the echo of a tumbling boulder.
I was so angry!
I grabbed my paper in the midst of her final sentence, slumped in my chair like a string puppet, and stared off.
When class ended I walked home from school and halfway cried.

I really felt like I tried hard on the assignments due.
I am not sure why she gave me a D.
But by the way she talks to me, and the way she graded me, I beleive that she just doesnt like me. (I wish I could explain that better)
Maybe because I wrote about getting high in a paper once, I don't know.
Maybe I just want to blame someone other than myself, I don't know.
I feel emotionally/physically drained and I want to quit.

Oh Frabjous day!

For some time now I have been worried about what I want to do with my life, and now I feel I have found something that will take me to a much higher level.
By june of this year, I will become a personal trainer through NASM.
I am very excited to study for the coarse, and very excited to earn my certificate.
It will be hard, but it wouldent be as satisfying without the hardship.
I know I am capable of being the best at what I want to do.
Being the top student in both of my black belt testings really opened my eyes and made me see what I am capable of.
To me, getting my certificate is equal, if not greater to earning both of my black belts.
OH frabjous day! calooh! calay!
I wish there was some way I could thank everyone that has encouraged me.
Even the people who have tried to discourage me, they have reminded me of how strong I really am.
Thanks everyone!

Longer than the average shit

I havent written in a while because I have actually been interested in school lately.
Psycology class has now become more than just a place to admire and talk to hot girls. I am now liking what it has to offer. I am learning all sorts of stuff on the psycology of what we do, see, and experiance in our everyday lives. It's really quite fun!
As far as my English class goes, it's fun and I have a small amount of opportunity to be creative and expressive (which is better than none), but my teacher is friggin grammar nazi! She urges to point out more mistakes and negative apects of peoples paper than she does with the positive. It's not all that modivating, but I am still enjoying the learning and the activities.
In other news I wrote a letter to my hateful sister yesterday for the first time in my life. I told her about how I feel that no matter how nice I am she always seems to hate me (Even taking psycology doesnt help in figuring her out). It was a kind of bummer, but it becomes extremely frusterating when everytime I enter a room that she is in, she gets upset and storms out. Plates rattling from her stomping and all. I am not trying to make myself sound like the good-guy here, and I know that this blog is now longer than the average shit and no-one will want to read it now, but I honestly don't know how to help her in being pleasent to me.
When loving kindness doesnt work, and hate seems to be her only way of expression towards me, what else can I do?

Breakthrough

Breakthrough

As I stood and stared into the vastness of my silver framed stereo, which played nothing but my own unhealthy distrust, I had realized that I had been invisible. Or at least I was pretending to be. My phase in life had changed. I was no longer on a charging roll to meet my goals, but instead was depleting and returning to a degrading life, I was my own degrading life. I looked to my floor and saw a flood of misadventure trapping me and holding me down.
So I read this:
http://cfcl.com/ching/P/43.76.shtml
And have been breaking-through ever since.
My car is completely clean,
My room is no longer a mess,
I have been calling people that I have needed to call,
My diet is getting better again,
And I am starting to do more kicks in my room.
Now I just have to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life.
It’s still a complicated mechanical issue that constantly tries to get my attention.
But I am sure that I can dig myself out of this one too.
Bye.

Surfing

I tempt myself
And pace the back door
Ready to leave.
My beer times me like an hourglass
And I am stuck in place.
The two dogs
Who play and wrestle
Guard my path to the sink,
While my father works and whistles on his skis.
Safely imprisoned
I think of a way out.
Then I saw it,
My escape,
Softly floating away from me.

The time has come

You left me standing there,
like you left yourself.

I sit in the chair and become weaker
and more glued to it.
I feel like a fresh minty glob of gum on the bottom of your shoe.
Made for something else.
Entirely.
Freezer frozen,
Preserved for "freshness."
I will not be a Microwavable pizza anymore!

I must be changing.
http://cfcl.com/ching/P/49.56.shtml

Tab

TAB

My hands skim the sensor for the automatic sink to rinse my fingers.
But nothing happens.
"Am I real?"
Am I just an imaginary figure
Droning about freeways and bathrooms
Looking to keep life for myself?
Will it turn on?
And if so can it wash away the impatience
that holds on to me
Like the child in the convenience store
gripping the trigger to the impossible green gun.
While the price tag drooping from his wrist
pleads to him that there may just be a price for everything after all.

Waiting in comfort,
comfort in waiting.

More Ands

"No Likes"

By Chase Adams

The shadows from the curtains wash over me

and make me feel unsurfaced.

I was drowing in them,

drowning in an illusion

that is with us everyday.

I couldent breath,

I couldent move.

And I knew

thats where I would die.

at my dead end job,

Grasping my dead end heart.

Confused Confused Confused

Ransom

Sadness like invisible ocean,
Not so overwhelming.
I strain my heart over a white sink,
sink...
sinking up from your stomach
like the candy you had earlier.

Forget.
So much like a space in a river.
Hard to see?

I am untying the motion,
sitting still,
"I'll follow you into the dark".
there.

I slipped out,
latched onto me
remanence of clear days
moving awkwardly.
A duck in the snow.

Good-hi new world,
I'm a happy person.

This, that, the other

What am I doing?
I need a rake for all of these leaves.
For the comings and goings I mean.
Like when you left your house with the door open
and the chill came swooping in
like a wave in a storm
smashing up against a golden ship
and flooding the deck.

Oh great another sunrise,
that means he is going to get up,
go outside,
take a big breath,
and come back in.